How to train your cancer
Which smoker does not dream of one day presenting his loved ones with his first own cancer in a cosy hospital atmosphere. Learn how to breed a species-rich population!
*Sorry, this site rather works in German language, where crayfish and cancer are the same word
Step 1
All you need to start off proudly owning a variety of different cancers are a few ordinary body cells, which you should have ready for later.
Step 2
Smoke! As banal as it sounds, it is effective. By the way, you can find out how to get the most out of a cigarette in "Start Smoking - How to become a smoker in ten steps!" For even better results, combine smoking with a meat-based diet, plenty of alcohol, physical inactivity and little sunscreen. But it also works great if you concentrate completely on smoking.
Step 3
Do you still have your somatic cells ready? Well, all you have to do now is get them to modify their original genetic program "a little". Don't worry, that sounds more complicated than it is. All you have to do from now on is repeat the steps described so far on a regular basis. The rest is done by the software built into the cigarette, which does all the work for you and transfers all relevant data to your genetic code.
Step 4
Now it's just a matter of waiting and ... - smoke. Please don't pray yet, that will come later and we don't want to shoot our powder right at the beginning. Just practice patience until the mutative luck is with you and you feel it tumbling in your body. Often it goes faster than you think.
Step 5
Similar to pregnancy, symptoms such as nausea, breathing difficulties and irritability may initially appear. The latter are often experienced when people from your personal environment respond to your condition, but you have made yourself comfortable in the displacement zone. Do not let your mood be spoiled and concentrate completely on the joy of your offspring!
Step 6
When your doctor one day finally indicates the first small nodular cancer ("Yes, where is it? There he is, the little one! This is going to be a big one, isn't it? Tickle, tickle, tickle") you've done it!
You want to get in the cancer business big time?
Find out more about the lively little animals in the book "Start Smoking - Smoking in Ten Trains at Last! ATTENTION: ONLY VERY FEW COPIES IN STOCK! 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... !!!
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