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Frequently asked questions about the book "Start Smoking" - Start Smoking – from non-smoker to chain smoker!

The satirical website for non- and still-smokers Die satirische Seite für Nicht- und Noch-Raucher LIFE DANGER – Please DO imitate!
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What's stopping you?
So you're worried about buying the book? You first have to weigh up the pros and cons carefully and get detailed information about the product – not that you might be tempted to make a hasty 5-Bucks investment?! Well, here you will find by far the most frequently asked questions about the book, you doubter!
WHEN SHOULD I BUY THE BOOK?
Right now would be best. Via this link.

NO, I MEAN WHEN IN THE SENSE OF WHO... IN THE SENSE OF WHAT APPLIES TO ME, YOU KNOW?
You should access NOW if you ...
  • are or want to become a smoker
  • want to stay a non-smoker
  • you do not fall into any of the above categories

WHAT? DOES THAT MEAN THAT EVERYONE, REALLY EVERYONE, SHOULD BUY THIS BOOK?
Frankly, I don't like the critical undertone in your question - but the answer is YES! Ideally you buy a new book after each chapter. That way you always have the most current letters.

I SEE... AND THIS WORKS TECHNICALLY?
I am not an eBook engineer! Find out, but you have to buy the book first. By the way, do you have to capitalize all the time?

I'M SOR... – I'm sorry. I just mean, it's normal with an e-book that if you've already bought it, you can't buy it aga ...
We'll sort out the technical issues later, okay? Do you have any questions about the book? Like, where can you buy it?

Uh, yeah, that's right... Where can you buy the book?
It's quite simple. To read the ebook, you need:
  1. An account on Amazon, which you can set up for free.
  2. An eBook Reader or the Amazon Kindle App, which you can download here for free.
  3. And then of course you should BUY the eBook!

Thanks, now I know.
Fine, are there any other questions?

Can I read the eBook on a Tolino or other ebook reader if I don't have the Amazon Kindle eReader?
Uh no, currently the ebook is only available on Amazon. It may be available on other eReaders in a few months, but at the moment, for various reasons, Amazon is the only way to get the eBook.

Ah ok, too bad, because I have another ebook reader and it would have been handy if ...
Stop! do you think anyone cares what device you have? Are we gonna talk about what's possible or not? Again, you do not need an eReader at all to read the ebook! All you need to do is install the Kindle app on your smartphone, on your PC or MAC or God knows where. It's free! You understand? Or take the paperback, but damn
Just BUY the ebook first and then take care of the details. It can't be that hard! Do you have any more questions that are relevant for the readers?

No, um... that was the last one, I think.
Are you sure? Maybe you'd better think it over.

Um, yeah, that's right... Is there some sort of artificial scarcity that might encourage you to buy?
The question is worded a bit unfortunate, but if you actually meant: "Should the reader hurry to buy the book?", the answer is: YES! In fact, there are ONLY FEW EBOOKS left in stock! Buy them NOW! BUY NOW. GET THE LAST COPIES!!
<&%$"(%§">

You can't see a thing. Shouldn't there be some sort of countdown?
Yeah, wait... that sh... thing. Uh, let's take a look at the live stock in the system and see how sales are doing:

Copies in stock  124 123 122 121 120 119 118 117 116 115 11411311210 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 3 3 2 4 3 2 wenige sehr sehr wenige!!!

Oh, the crowd is dwindling fast. That book must be a huge hit. I suppose everyone should just go for it?
That's right, you should strike now! Otherwise it will be too late!

May one then recommend the book, if one liked it?
As an exception, yes. Just write a 10 star review on Amazon and send the link to the page where you can order the book to all your friends.

And if you didn't like it?
Just write a 10 star review on Amazon and send the link to the page where you can order the book to all your friends.

No, I mean, what if you DIDN'T like it?
I UNDERSTANDED it!

Oh, okay... I see. Wait a minute, I can see there's a five star limit on Amazon!?
So write two five-star reviews.

Can you do that? I only have one account. You can't review the same product twice, can you?
Are you an accountant for the IRS? Just create another account or write the review in another name. This happens all the time on Amazon! Where do you think all the competing smoking books get their good reviews! So come up with something! Do I have to pretend???

But is that okay? So that you rate something as good on Amazon even though you might not like it at all?
I don't believe it! Do you have any questions about the book that people are interested in? What is the good thing about the book, for example? Why it should not be missing in any well sorted library? Why everyone who can read should have it? And why even those who cannot read benefit enormously from the book ... so to speak!? Just to name a couple of examples! I don't understand why we have to digress from the actual topic all the time!

Well, I don't know...
It's not a question.

To be honest, I'm getting a bit tired of it...
This is the FAQ section. Please ask questions and do not make statements! Your question, please.

You know what, I've had it! I can't do this anymore...
Pardon?

Stop it, I get out!
What? How? I don't understand...

Spare me the monkey business. I've had it, plain and simple. I'm just messing with the le...
Hello? Are you still there? I can't ...ear you ...ymore. I keep ... getti... cut off. We must ... end ...

Stop the bullshit! People know you're fucking with them.
Have you completely lost your mind? We are live here! This is all public!

So what? I don't care. I'm sick of you and your crappy sales pitch...
Dear readers, dear smokers, please excuse. We obviously have a massive technical prob...

Stop cutting me off! I can do the same with you! I'm going to put an end to this madness. Take your book and shove it! I don't feel like reading these stupid questions out loud anymore.
Ha! What did you say? "Read out"? Reaad out??? You call this a "reading out"? This stammering??? Reading out means you're reading out the text you have in front of you! - the exact text! The easiest thing in the world. But even that you have screwed up! It's all there. I even marked your parts in bold!!! But no, the Lord starts to be creative, starts to philosophize about God and the world and to ask technical questions that no human being can answer and that nobody out there is interested in!!! You just had to stick to the script. FROM THE BEGINNING!!!! But no ... - "Reaaad out" he says!!!! ... "REEAAD OOOUUUT"?!?!?!! I can't believe it!!!!

That's the problem. I can't read this pig's claw!
What??? The text is in the email I sent you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But I wrote it off, goddammit!!
?!?!!?!!?!?!!?!?!!!!!

I just can't afford a printer from your mini commission!
I think I'm going to explode!!! I'm in the wrong film!!!? What are you talking about? Printer??? Why print? DON'T YOU HAVE A SCREEN???? Anyway... I don't care, I don't want to know. It's over! It was my fault. I should have picked a first grader! What am I saying? An ANALPHABET would have done a better job!!! He should have just remembered the questions! A handful of questions! So easy. He would have cost half of you and done twice as well!!! Oh no, Thousand times as good!!

Half??? Half of what??? Half of nothing is still nothing, in case you didn't know that!! A first grader knows that for sure!
Are we gonna be ungrateful too? Fuck this up and then complain about it too? You know, some people out there would have been happy to have been part of this project! They would have done it for free! I gave you a chance, and I paid for it out of the kindness of my heart. You were gonna get your commission, you ungrateful, greedy...

Commission, commission! Of what? Nobody will buy this book! You don't see millions of copies sold! Where???
I told you, if we establish a system where every visitor to this website just blindly buys the book and recommends it...

You're so naive!
I had a vision! But we can forget all that now!!! Because of you! My sincerest thanks too!!!

Sincerely? Haha... You and sincerely in one sentence? Who are you kidding? Even the last fool has noticed by now that you are a selfish, morally degenerate, money-hungry pseudo-Idon'tknowwhat who only wants to sell his book! You don't even care about the people out there who are desperately trying to start smoking. You don't give a shit about them. You don't give a shit about me!
Shut the fuck... Shut the fuck...

When did all this start, anyway?
???

You don't get it, do you?
WHAT???

My goodness, it's even worse than I feared. I'm really starting to realize that right now!
What the hell are you talking about?!

Hang on a minute, will ya?
What the hell are you doing?

Yes, hello, is this the nuthouse? ... I have a new customer... Advanced condition... very advanced. Yes, I'm talking to himself... without interruption...
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

The usual commission? Good. Are you sending someone over? Wait, before you go, do you want to start smoking? I might have something for you ...
HANG UP THE PHONE NOW!!

You know, the one problem is this crooked deal you're doing here ... that's all well and good – although no, actually it's not ...
Blah blah blah blah...

... but you know what's even worse?
Get to the point! You never get to the point! That's your problem.

The even more sick thing is that you talk to yourself all the time!!!!
????

!!!!
???

Don't pretend that you don't know that I don't exist – or that we both exist, but only once.
What????? Are you listening to yourself???

This dialogue, all this back and forth, this role play – it all took place only in your head! You staged it all!
Oh yes, of course.

Do you deny it?
I have no idea what you're talking about.

So you're gonna keep doing this...
I don't know what you're talking about.

We both exist, in a way, but only in your mind - well, yours or mine, as you like.
You're crazy!

I am. Because you are!
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la... I'm not listening... lalalalalalalalallaalalallllaaaaaaaaaaaa...

A classic non-smoking problem. You ignore and suppress your own illness, your independence from addiction. You push away all the unpleasant thoughts. And thereby only make it worse. Until one day it is too late.
Don't talk nonsense. Let's end it now. I'm mentally exhausted and in no mood for your psycho-babble!

You can't do that. You can't end it! Don't kid yourself. You're putting on a big show here, and all the time you're talking to yourself!
Will you shut up for once!?

I could if you wanted me to! But you obviously don't want to. Your actions are in direct contradiction to what you want. Typical non-smoker. Deep down, you know how much you harm yourself, but this rational insight is not enough to keep your ever-rising short-term needs in check. It's like taking a sip from a bottle of delicious poison that tastes good for a short time but eats you up inside.
I don't want to hear this!! Don't you get it?

Oh, yes, I understand! I know you don't. Neither of us would be here if it wasn't. You have the non-smoking disease. You're schizophrenic. That's the bitter truth.
Are you trying to insult me now?

It's not an accusation, it's just a statement. You put off the uncomfortable stuff instead of confronting it. As if you could escape it all by letting someone else deal with it later, not you. And in doing so, you make it all the worse.
You and your smart remarks!

Your mind (the part that still works halfway) knows that you should start smoking as soon as possible to avoid further harm. But your comfortable inner bastard finds reasons why you don't need to tackle your problem and puts it into perspective ... But they are just excuses if you are honest with yourself.
I don't have a brain for this. You're already taking up half the space in there. It's getting too cramped.

Eventually, there will be a break-even point where the realization of the need to act will be greater than your comfort. But when that point is reached, it will perhaps be too late.
[Insert Pointe]
Please think up an original ending to this dialogue yourself - just do us all a favor and for God's sake buy THE BOOOK NOOOOOOW! so they'll finally shut up!
Stop! You have reached the end of the page. Please do not leave without leaving a rating of the page or a comment. Think about your (non-)smoking karma!
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